FavStar

Car Talk is gone!? But where will I be able to hear mildly funny people talk about stuff I don't care about? *head turns slowly to twitter*

“YOU CAN’T WEAR THEM COLORS OUT HERE CUH” https://twitter.com/regularbarnett/status/980913474271432706/photo/1

I DOUBT IT WILL BREAK THE MACHINE
"I'm getting the manager"
yeah go do that
[manager comes out] you the guy asking about a big mac mcflurry?

i’m founding a new supermarket called Unsafeway. it’s exactly the same as Safeway but it’s 15% faster because there’s no bounds checks

My children are currently trying to murder each other because my 8 year old son won’t stop telling my 5 year old daughter that her real birth name is “Big Jim”.

Roomba: [wanders aimlessly in a random direction until the slightest obstacle forces it to change course]

Me: [the same]

have called this press conference to say i am a birther. obama show us the goddam certificate. that prove danny devito is not wario

maybe it should mount rushless

rare max lol

the most entitled people in the world refer to what the least entitled get as “entitlements”.

To be Gay for A Day...i must try it. The potion, Doctor!!! YEs I know it's experimental - if anything should go wrong: my epitaph, "No Homo"

An anger scale for online discourse by masc nicknames:

dude: not that mad
buddy: solidly peeved
my man: pretty annoyed
bro: steamed for real
chief: uh oh
my guy: furious

you married? Got kids?? Pets?? Dog? Cat? Bugs? You got any bugs?? Beetles??? Spiders????? You know how it is then eh

Baron Von Underwear (inventor of underwear): OK but I require a pocket where I can squish my dick sideways out of it

you: squashed flat by a falling safe and must be inflated back to normal

me: i open the safe from inside and walk out completely unharmed

v important when discussing getting shot by racists to assure white people you don't mean to imply any judgement of their proud + noble race

The left foot reached over and opened a window.

“Amazon Headquarters” should be one of the disasters you can pick in the next SimCity

hot couple looking for a third. no sex play u just have to decide where we go eat

Just another Friday night with a smelly dick